Home Page Clarity

The home page message for the new Vermont Partnership website has got to be clearer.

It has to make a stronger impression in the first three seconds that someone devotes to seeing what it's about.   Without a compelling first impression, we've lost an opportunity.  It may have been a big donor.  Or it could have been the chance to connect with someone whose life could be improved if only they had the right counsel.

The current Vermont Partnership website leads with its mission statement, which may not be its strongest pitch.  Yes, a mission statement is an important document, but I want to hear something that speaks to me with a bit more emotion.

So after several meetings with a talented copywriter, and several draft proposals, I think the following represents a much-improved starting point for the home page:

[SUBHEAD OPTIONS]
 
1) Working to ensure inclusive communities
(Better yet...)
2) All people should be welcome in their communities

[Intro Text]

Whoever you are, and wherever you live in Vermont, you should feel included in your community. You should have a voice. You should be treated fairly.

At the Vermont Partnership for Fairness and Diversity, we work to eliminate prejudice and discrimination of all kinds. We teach people to embrace individual differences that make our communities stronger and more diverse. We bring people together to resolve problems as partners. And we provide tools and constructive support for people to address unequal treatment in their own lives.

Because when anyone faces discrimination or is denied access to the community, everyone suffers.

Can we avoid the kind of jargon that speaks to an elite audience and keep the message conversational?  We're attempting to improve lives and I believe the message will be clearer if we avoid talk of "social justice" or "inclusive and equitable" communities.  Those are important concepts, but they're also complex and demand explanation.        
 
What's everyone think?